Surviving the Holidays with a Difficult Family: A Guide to Protecting Your Peace

If you are like me, the holiday season often comes wrapped in a mix of emotions—joy, nostalgia, and, for many, stress. If you’re heading into family gatherings knowing there will be tension, it’s important to prioritize your well-being. Here are a few tips for moving through the holiday season so you feel at peace and continue to have a relationship with your loved ones.

1. Set Realistic Expectations

Radical acceptance is accepting reality as it is in the moment (for more on this, see my articles on Radical Acceptance). This can be difficult because it can bring sadness at first, and we can find peace in reality with practice. To do this, note that your family dynamic may not align with the idyllic holiday scenes we see in movies. Difficult relatives are unlikely to change overnight, and that’s okay! You can approach and move through the gathering with more grounded expectations by letting go of the fantasy of a perfect holiday and radically accepting (not condoning) your family’s behavior.  

2. Cope Ahead

• Prepare your responses: If Aunt Linda always brings up politics or Uncle Joe critiques your life choices, rehearse neutral responses or responses that can redirect the conversation. For example, “That’s an interesting perspective. Let’s grab some pie!” or “I hear what you are saying, Uncle Joe. Have you seen the Ravens play this year?” Make sure you visualize these scenarios happening in your mind and practice responding to them using the responses during the visualization. Don’t forget to practice breathing afterward!
• Set boundaries: Decide ahead of time how long you’ll stay (or how long others will stay at your gathering), what topics are off-limits (redirected responses!), and what behavior is unacceptable. If your family member consistently crosses your boundaries throughout the gathering, you can protect your peace by asking them to change the subject. If that doesn’t work, use your “exit strategy” (see below) or politely ask them to leave. You are not obligated to withstand consistent invalidation and violation of your boundaries, even if they are your parent or other close relative.

3. Take Breaks

Holiday gatherings can be overwhelming, so step outside for fresh air, offer to run an errand, or retreat to a quiet room if you need a breather. These moments can help you reset and avoid reactive emotions. If you are having difficulty reigning in intense emotion, try utilizing paced breathing, an exercise in which you exhale longer than you inhale. Or try putting a cold towel or ice pack behind your neck or forehead. 

4. Focus on Your Allies

Most families, even challenging ones, have at least one or two people who feel safe and supportive. Spend more time with those individuals than others to help yourself recharge and feel connected to your family.

5. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is paying attention to the moment in a particular way (see my article on Mindfulness here). Pay attention to your breath, notice surroundings that do not cause distress, and ground yourself in the present by noticing your feet firmly planted on the ground or your body in a chair. This can help you stay calm and detach from triggering situations.

6. Have an Exit Strategy

Sometimes, leaving is the healthiest option. If you begin to feel so overwhelmed that you can’t control your thoughts, emotions, or behavior, or if someone consistently crosses your boundaries, permit yourself to leave early. A few polite reasons for leaving that you can share with others include, “I’m not feeling well” or “I have an early start tomorrow.” 

7. Don’t Skip Self-Care

Make time for things that bring you joy and relaxation before and after a family gathering. Whether it’s exercising, a favorite hobby, quality time with your chosen family, or taking a full-on “lazy couch day,” nurturing yourself will help you recover from holiday stress and prepare you for upcoming difficult situations.

8. Lean on Your Support System

Talk to friends, a partner, or a therapist about some of the troubles you are having with your family surrounding the holidays. Sharing your feelings with people you trust and who can understand what you are going through can help ease distress. 

9. Celebrate in Your Own Way

If family gatherings are consistently draining, create new traditions that bring joy that may not involve family. This can look like hosting holiday parties for your friends, neighbors, or coworkers, scheduling time to volunteer, or taking that trip you’ve always wanted to take. Creating new traditions with safe, loved ones is a great way to feel connected during the holiday season.

10. Be Kind to Yourself

Navigating family dynamics can be tricky, and it’s okay if you don’t handle every moment perfectly. Give yourself grace and space; remember, protecting your peace is a valid priority.

The holidays may be challenging, but with preparation, boundaries, and self-compassion, you can make it through with your sanity intact—and maybe even find moments of joy along the way.